“Identify yourself!” said the fat controller

Here’s a list of words surrounding me, my hobbies and things I like…

Family, Friends, Smart, Kind, Anxious, Travel, Scientific Research, Outdoors Adventures, Netflix, Dance, Music (playing musical instruments), Basketball, Ice Hockey, Dogs, Swimming… I could go on.

BUT after struggling with my “identity” for most of my life and trying desperately and anxiously to fit in, do the right thing, be agreeable, I often end up asking myself is that ‘Who I really am?’, ‘Who I was?’ or ‘Who I would ideally like to be?’

..and, to classify things as your hobbies/likes, how into/on top of them do you really have to be? Do I have to constantly rave about basketball and know everything about it to enjoy going to games and like the sport (I even played it casually for a while although I wasn’t any good)? Do I really have the right to follow hockey and choose a team even though I’ve never really watched many games, but enjoy it when I do? Will you think that I like it just because my partner does? Can I count Outdoor adventures and Swimming even though I don’t do either competitively and spend 95% of my time indoors watching Netflix or on my phone? In my childhood I used to dance several dance styles, perform and compete.. but although I loved the rush of performing I realise I’m not the best at it, do I still like it or is it just associated with me? I also played the Piano, Clarinet and Saxophone, did examinations, concerts and was part of a Jazz Orchestra.. but I don’t practise anymore (I often say I don’t have time).

It’s a shame that I can’t figure out who I am, I am so dead set focussed on achieving, making my family proud and trying to be someone successful. I stress about things I can’t control. Yes that word… CONTROL..

People often say “don’t worry about what you can’t control”, but a lot of the time I feel like I’m losing control or don’t have control over my life and it’s direction. You could say I’m just a “Snowflake Milennial” who can’t adapt to adult life after a warm snuggly childhood; sometimes I even wonder if that’s the case myself. I had a wonderful childhood, so full of love and opportunities, but I still strive to be independent, to be successful and to make others proud by doing it myself. When I get down or sad about who I am, I perk myself up by blocking out the present and imagining the future, or how I can change myself for it all to be better. I need to stop that.

I know I’m smart and I enjoy the field in which I study, even if I always second guess myself as to whether I’m good enough so that forms part of my identity, I’m a dog person that’s for sure (no offence cat people) so that forms part of my identity. I know there are bigger, more important issues in the world than my irrelevant ramblings however how am I meant to focus on them until I can understand myself. I am just lucky to have those who love me unconditionally to stick with me while I use my early twenties to continue that battle to figure myself out.

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