Too little Too late

Listening to early 2000s music gives me a pang of heartfelt nostalgia, so many fantastic memories shared with my friends and family, my parents and especially my brother. Remembering always dancing and having music playing in the kitchen while mum and dad were cooking, road trips singing our hearts out in the car, or the impromptu karaoke nights that we sometimes had.. not to mention the reminiscing and constant banter. These memories I will forever hold dear in my heart. At the same time, I found tonight that listening to 2000s music also gives me sadness, as since I decided to move out of the house early (and didn’t handle it as well as I could have as I was in a dark place), I have missed out on many more opportunities for times like these and although when I go visit there are moments, it isn’t really the same. I miss my brother, a lot. The thought brings tears to my eyes, I sit here trying not to cry (nope too late). I wonder if he knows I miss him, how I’m sorry for abandoning him, and how I hope it’s not too late and we can still be close. It plays over in my head how my parents told me that when I moved out without really telling them that he’d ask “when would I be home?” And eventually “Is she coming home tonight?” Of course he is a young adult and we don’t really do the emotional stuff face to face so I can never be sure. I’m happy with my partner, but god do I miss my family, and how I wish things had played out differently. I have to settle for talking to them over the phone or Facebook most of the time. Moving out is all part of growing up and I want to be with my partner. Nobody really understands me, I don’t feel like I can really explain this to anyone… all I know is I miss him, I miss them, I’m sorry and you can’t turn back time.

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