In a bid to be healthy physically and feel better mentally and emotionally, today is the first day of my new health kick. The aim is to lose weight, tone up and feel good about myself again. I’m replacing 2 meals a day with a shake; vanilla protein powder, coconut/almond milk, LSA, fibre, passion fruit pulp, dragonfruit and banana. All of this supplemented with a multivitamin that tackles stress (my main homie, sometimes my only homie) and plenty of water (no seriously, I’m a camel, I don’t drink anywhere near enough! This is wishful thinking). I also am hoping to latch on to a casual sport or develop motivation to do exercise in conjunction with my diet. Wish me luck!!

Listening to early 2000s music gives me a pang of heartfelt nostalgia, so many fantastic memories shared with my friends and family, my parents and especially my brother. Remembering always dancing and having music playing in the kitchen while mum and dad were cooking, road trips singing our hearts out in the car, or the impromptu karaoke nights that we sometimes had.. not to mention the reminiscing and constant banter. These memories I will forever hold dear in my heart. At the same time, I found tonight that listening to 2000s music also gives me sadness, as since I decided to move out of the house early (and didn’t handle it as well as I could have as I was in a dark place), I have missed out on many more opportunities for times like these and although when I go visit there are moments, it isn’t really the same. I miss my brother, a lot. The thought brings tears to my eyes, I sit here trying not to cry (nope too late). I wonder if he knows I miss him, how I’m sorry for abandoning him, and how I hope it’s not too late and we can still be close. It plays over in my head how my parents told me that when I moved out without really telling them that he’d ask “when would I be home?” And eventually “Is she coming home tonight?” Of course he is a young adult and we don’t really do the emotional stuff face to face so I can never be sure. I’m happy with my partner, but god do I miss my family, and how I wish things had played out differently. I have to settle for talking to them over the phone or Facebook most of the time. Moving out is all part of growing up and I want to be with my partner. Nobody really understands me, I don’t feel like I can really explain this to anyone… all I know is I miss him, I miss them, I’m sorry and you can’t turn back time.

Here’s a list of words surrounding me, my hobbies and things I like…

Family, Friends, Smart, Kind, Anxious, Travel, Scientific Research, Outdoors Adventures, Netflix, Dance, Music (playing musical instruments), Basketball, Ice Hockey, Dogs, Swimming… I could go on.

BUT after struggling with my “identity” for most of my life and trying desperately and anxiously to fit in, do the right thing, be agreeable, I often end up asking myself is that ‘Who I really am?’, ‘Who I was?’ or ‘Who I would ideally like to be?’

..and, to classify things as your hobbies/likes, how into/on top of them do you really have to be? Do I have to constantly rave about basketball and know everything about it to enjoy going to games and like the sport (I even played it casually for a while although I wasn’t any good)? Do I really have the right to follow hockey and choose a team even though I’ve never really watched many games, but enjoy it when I do? Will you think that I like it just because my partner does? Can I count Outdoor adventures and Swimming even though I don’t do either competitively and spend 95% of my time indoors watching Netflix or on my phone? In my childhood I used to dance several dance styles, perform and compete.. but although I loved the rush of performing I realise I’m not the best at it, do I still like it or is it just associated with me? I also played the Piano, Clarinet and Saxophone, did examinations, concerts and was part of a Jazz Orchestra.. but I don’t practise anymore (I often say I don’t have time).

It’s a shame that I can’t figure out who I am, I am so dead set focussed on achieving, making my family proud and trying to be someone successful. I stress about things I can’t control. Yes that word… CONTROL..

People often say “don’t worry about what you can’t control”, but a lot of the time I feel like I’m losing control or don’t have control over my life and it’s direction. You could say I’m just a “Snowflake Milennial” who can’t adapt to adult life after a warm snuggly childhood; sometimes I even wonder if that’s the case myself. I had a wonderful childhood, so full of love and opportunities, but I still strive to be independent, to be successful and to make others proud by doing it myself. When I get down or sad about who I am, I perk myself up by blocking out the present and imagining the future, or how I can change myself for it all to be better. I need to stop that.

I know I’m smart and I enjoy the field in which I study, even if I always second guess myself as to whether I’m good enough so that forms part of my identity, I’m a dog person that’s for sure (no offence cat people) so that forms part of my identity. I know there are bigger, more important issues in the world than my irrelevant ramblings however how am I meant to focus on them until I can understand myself. I am just lucky to have those who love me unconditionally to stick with me while I use my early twenties to continue that battle to figure myself out.

Is the human definition of “life” really worth it? Not the literal definition of course, as a scientist I understand the continuation of different species on earth and the evolution of our existence (although my field isn’t exactly pure biology so don’t quiz me too hard). I am more referring to the complex nuances that only binds human life.. the pressures we place on ourselves to achieve, to live a certain way, almost as if ticking boxes. At the end of the day we all will eventually be gone and none of us remembered (unless you’re famous), faded in time like so many before us. I have goals, ambitions, and expectations of myself that in all honesty are probably too high; I want to be a good person, be healthy, make my family happy, make my partner happy, contribute to society and I have so many different ideas of what I want for my life. So much so that I don’t know what I want… You see, growing up I thought I knew what I wanted: go to University, get a job, meet a guy, get married, buy a house, have kids, live happily ever after. Naive of me to think it was that straight forward? Yes. Throughout my entire life for as long as I can remember I have always based what I wanted for my life off other people, I found that I am always trying to fit in, to make others happy and will change my personality to fit with the people I am with. I am sure this stems from a need to be liked, however as an adult it has become somewhat of a problem… I don’t know who I am. An example of this, my music taste is vast, from classical to metal and everything in between, however I don’t fit into any stereotype associated with either. I see posts on social media and instantly think “oh I wish I could be like that” or “I will buy those clothes and then maybe I can be like her” or “Oh yes I’ll do that!”… getting somewhat obsessed with needed to post on social media, as if I need validation from others or to compete with my peers or relatives. I often don’t feel comfortable in my own skin or even know what I like, sometimes I am not even sure of what my hobbies are?! I view myself as a task that always needs to be improved, always looking to the future and never stopping to appreciate what I have in the present. In reality I am quite lucky, yes life isn’t the smoothest and definitely nowhere near as smooth as I thought it would be growing up; my parents don’t like my partner and therefore I don’t see them or my brother as much as I wish I could, I miss them terribly and it’s constant heartache; my partner is older and has children from a previous marriage which I never included in my “plan” growing up so that hasn’t been straightforward either. I am afflicted with bad anxiety heightened by experiences within my past, that constantly has me overthinking, “What will people think of me?”, re-running conversations, panicking, stressing ALL THE TIME and feeling down, it takes its toll, and as I have learnt the hard way can HURT other people you care about or PUSH them away. BUT I am quite lucky, I am healthy (for the most part, although I should go for checkups more), I have family who love me and would do anything for me, I have a loving partner (and his kids, the dogs, his family who love me too), I am smart (although I often second guess myself with this one), I have just been accepted into a PhD with Scholarship in Medical Research (hopefully my good contribution to the world and society), I have learnt who my real friends are (which I struggled with for a time vis a vis trying to fit in, feeling lonely and trying to cling to memories and friendships of days that have passed). I have to remind myself that I am only young, that people do like me, even if I feel that I don’t have many close to me. I have so many plans; to work in research, to travel the world and experience so many different cultures to add to the ones I have already experienced and the places I have been (which again is more that a lot of people so in that respect I am quite lucky too), to start a family of my own and devote myself to bringing up little humans that will themselves grow and do amazing things. I get stuck in the stress and unhappiness of every day life without realising that I have time, that almost everyone feels this way, and that unrealistic pressures and feeling like we have to comply to social rules and regulations are partly the source of our unhappiness. I shouldn’t always need to feel validated, I shouldn’t always need “likes” or “comments”, because after all once that photo or status has disappeared from the newsfeed it’s just me and my life, and whoever I choose to share it with in person. I need to believe in myself and what I can do, not stress about what I can’t or what others are better at than I. Ironically I’m writing a blog post, but I’m not famous, nobody is likely to see it and you know what… I think at least for now, I’m ok with that.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton